He sold all possessions and kept the cash — just in case Jesus doesn’t do property.
SOWETO, JOHANNESBURG — In a bold act of faith (and financial miscalculation), a 43-year-old man has sold all his possessions—house, cars, everything—after his pastor declared the end times were “definitely today.”
Nicholas Tchabalala, a loyal churchgoer, said he was moved by the intensity of Pastor Joel’s sermon. “The man was shaking. I thought, this is it. No more Netflix, no more Mazda 3. Just me and Jesus.”
Pastor Joel warned congregants that their houses, cars, and air fryers were “sinful attachments” that could prevent them from rising during the rapture. Nicholas took it to heart.
By noon, he had sold his house, cars, and even his couch cushions, choosing to hold all his wealth in cash. “Jesus won’t need a place to stay. But a little cash gift for fulfilling His promise? That’s respectable.”
When nothing happened by evening, Nicholas assumed a divine delay. “Probably paperwork. Heaven’s not immune to admin.”
Meanwhile, Pastor Joel was reportedly seen driving one of Nicholas’s old cars, having bought back his former member’s possessions at a heavenly discount.
Asked if he felt deceived, Nicholas said, “Not at all. Jesus is still coming. Pastor says this time is really, truly it.”
Nicholas has reportedly remained sky-facing, gym bag of cash in hand, waiting faithfully. Pastor Joel, sources say, was enjoying air conditioning and a new surround sound system, also formerly Nicholas’s.