LAGOS, NIGERIA — As Afrobeats tightens its global chokehold on music charts like Wizkid on a summer anthem, Western musicians can’t chart without a sprinkle of African magic.
In a bold move to preserve African heritage — and confuse their accountants — Nigerian artists now demand payment in cowries and rented agbadas instead of U.S. dollars for any international collaborations.
Sources say Rihanna was left speechless after being quoted 2 million cowries and a deluxe agbada to feature Tems on her next single. “Is this the new Bitcoin?” she allegedly asked.
Davido defended the policy in an interview with Trace: “We charge cowries because dollars don’t carry ancestral blessings. You can’t summon your musical chi with PayPal.”
Other artists chimed in, claiming cowries “carry ancestral spirits that bless studio sessions,” unlike the spiritually hollow dollar. One artist reportedly keeps a calabash of cowries next to his soundboard for “audio clarity and ancestral bass.”
To enforce the policy, a newly formed Lagos Bureau of Cultural Transactions now monitors all music payments, ensuring each agbada is returned dry-cleaned with incantations whispered into the sleeves.
However, not everyone is ready to sacrifice their wallets on the altar of ancestral payments. One anonymous professor warned, “I love the cultural pride, but unless cowries are accepted on Amazon, y’all better grab some dollars and common sense.”
Despite the skepticism, global adoption is rising. Beyoncé now wears agbadas to Zoom meetings just to stay on Nigerian artists’ good side. Meanwhile, Burna Boy reportedly declined a Grammy performance fee, demanding instead a talking drum and three goats “with ambition.”
At typing time, cowries have overtaken Bitcoin in global music payments, with reports of DJ Khaled exchanging his entire NFT portfolio for three medium-sized calabashes.