Brain Store App Hasn’t Updated Since 1987
STELLENBOSCH, SOUTH AFRICA — In a discovery now baffling scientists from Cape Town to Cambridge, two Stellenbosch researchers have finally uncovered the real reason behind human arrogance, pettiness, and viral TikTok challenges: common sense has quietly become a premium feature, no longer available to most users by default.
Dubbed the “Brain Store” theory, the scientists claim that all human mental software is connected to a cosmic app store. For some users, updates stopped in 1987 due to “chronic underuse,” while others were simply born with incompatible hardware.
Professors Jeremy Shezi and Wyatt Sandile made the accidental discovery while lecturing a class that refused to stop arguing about flat Earth conspiracies. “It’s been right under our noses,” said Shezi. “We just assumed people were being dramatic. Turns out, the app was missing.”
“Newer models of humans now ship with Feelings Filters and Hot Take Generators by default,” added Sandile during a national broadcast. “But Common Sense? That’s a premium add-on most refuse to install.”
Many users reportedly avoid installing Common Sense because it demands intrusive permissions like “self-reflection,” “fact-checking,” and “admitting you might be wrong.” “That’s a no-go for most egos,” said one researcher. “It’s why global common sense levels are now below WHO standards.”
A WHO spokesperson confirmed the findings, adding, “We’ve officially added ‘thinking’ to the list of endangered practices.”
At the time of publishing, the UN is reportedly considering a partnership with Elon Musk to install Neuralink chips in affected individuals, though critics warn that the chips may just boost their ability to argue on X (formerly Twitter).