Paris, France — As global tensions rise over Israel’s bombing of Iranian military sites, triggering fears of a third world war, the French government has calmly stepped forward to declare that they have already surrendered.
French President Emmanuel Macron addressed the nation with typical poise: “Let it be known that France will not be participating in any world war not hosted on a wine terrace. We wish all combatants a swift and dramatic conclusion.”
Sources say the decision was made just minutes after international news agencies began using the phrase “unprecedented escalation.” By the time American analysts mentioned the possibility of a multi-nation response, French diplomats were already faxing white flags to Brussels, Tehran, and “just in case,” Canberra.
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Historical Patterns (Ministère des Schémas Historiques) confirmed the move. “France simply wanted to avoid the logistical headache of rushing into another war just to be politely escorted back out. We prefer to lead the surrender conversation, rather than join it late.”
The French military has reportedly returned tanks to museums, reclassified naval ships as floating vineyards, and reassigned active troops to Le Fromage Mobilization Corps, a special unit trained in survival diplomacy and saucisson distribution.
Reactions across Europe have been mixed. Germany expressed cautious optimism. “We prefer not to lead this time,” said a Berlin official, visibly sweating. Meanwhile, Italy has pledged to monitor the situation “through fashion.”
Back in Paris, locals remained unfazed. “War? Non,” said café waiter Julien Bardot, lighting a cigarette. “I already fought for a table at brunch. That’s enough for one lifetime.”
France has also offered to host peace talks—on the condition that all participants agree not to raise their voices, wear boots indoors, or mention 1940.