Britain promises full colonial refund—if Nigeria first wires over a small “commitment fee”: one year’s federal budget
LONDON, U.K. — Struck by an inconvenient pang of conscience, the UK Parliament has finally decided to apologise to Nigeria.The apology is for the harm inflicted during colonialism. After offering a formal apology, Britain is taking one more step: sending a Nigerian Prince Email as reparations.
To show sincerity, the email will be written by a British-Nigerian MP .This is someone they believe can best express centuries of guilt in remorseful ink and royal scam format.”Nigeria lost so much to colonialism,” said Sir Lindsay Hoyle, Speaker of the UK House of Commons. “Yes, that generation is gone, but it’s our turn to do things differently. So we’re apologising and sending this email, which also honours victims of Nigerian scams. We want to pay our dues — and clear the slate.”
The letter will be penned by MP Bayo Alaba, who disagrees with the initiative:
“Nigeria should be thankful the British came,” Alaba said. “They’d still be in the pre civilisation era otherwise. The country’s downfall isn’t from colonialism — it’s their own corruption. Nincompoops with no reasoning faculties.”Despite warnings, Parliament insisted Alaba alone draft the message, unread and unsupervised.”He knows his people. It’s cultural. We don’t want to interfere.”The letter, now sent, promises Nigeria full reimbursement of everything stolen .Reimbursement is adjusted for inflation — if they just pay a small commitment token: one year’s federal budget.
In response, Nigerian officials have formed a 37-member committee to consider the offer. Each member is entitled to sitting allowances, travel stipends, and a brand-new SUV, pending the refund’s arrival.