NAIROBI, KENYA — Local man Jared Mwangi, who now identifies as a “Victim of the System,” has officially demanded reparations from his own past self.
“The system was rigged against ordinary Kenyans,” said Mwangi. “But only one person made it worse… Jared Mwangi Junior. That guy crippled my future with bad decisions. Now I’m fully trapped in the system. I can’t try anything new, and frankly, he should be ashamed. I’m suing him.”
Police have launched an investigation into the disturbing allegations against both the system and Jared Mwangi Junior, who, sources confirm, is Jared’s past self. Officers were unable to locate Junior for questioning, mostly because he appears to be the same person as Jared.
“I’m not sure what Jared was thinking,” said the investigating officer, “but I’m pretty sure he’s his own junior. If we arrest the younger version, we might accidentally arrest the current one. This is complicated. He’s clearly been victimized… by himself.”
Legal analysts warn the case may set a dangerous precedent, especially if others begin suing their younger selves for everything from failed career choices to romantic regrets. The Kenyan Institute of Personal Accountability (KIPA) urged caution: “We support self-accountability,” said spokesperson Beatrice Mugo, “but the courts are overwhelmed already with people suing their exes. Settle your inner disputes in therapy, not with lawsuits against your past.”
In a surprise twist, Jared’s junior self has now filed a countersuit against Current Jared for emotional damage and defamation.