LAGOS, NIGERIA — Officials from the Federal Road Safety Corps (FRSC) have confirmed that zebra crossings across Lagos are “merely decorative,” and that pedestrians should use them strictly at their own risk. Despite being modeled after global traffic systems, zebra crossings in Lagos don’t command the same respect… or safety assurances.
According to reports, pedestrians who obey zebra crossing signs are more likely to be hit by cars, while those who ignore them “survive every time,” the report concludes.
“Only a madman would trust zebra crossings in Lagos,” said the Lagos FRSC Sector Commander during a paramilitary briefing. “We’ve said it before, Lagos drivers are the most ungovernable in Africa. Your best bet? Pretend the stripes are road tattoos and run.”
One anonymous LASTMA official warned, “Zebra crossings are just road paintings. Try to use one with speeding cars and you’re volunteering for heaven. We’ve warned people before. Now, we’re warning them to stop believing.”
The FRSC has announced a national TV and social media campaign to educate citizens on the dangers of trusting zebra crossings. “Just because it’s painted doesn’t mean it’s functional,” an officer said. “We’re trying to save lives by promoting responsible disbelief.”
The FRSC also plans a counterintuitive training for drivers: accelerate when someone’s on the crossing. “If enough people nearly die while respecting zebra stripes, maybe the public will finally understand… they’re just for show.”