SENEGAL, WEST AFRICA — In a bold display of global compassion, the United Nations has declared West African’s fish-rich waters a “shared resource” — for everyone except the people living on its shores.
“The Chinese and Spanish have long shared interests in West Africa,” said UN Secretary-General António Guterres at a recent conference. “Fish, for example, are global citizens. Just because they swim near Senegal doesn’t mean Senegal owns them or the West Africans. Sharing is caring, and what better way to care than by leaving the locals nothing?”
The UN further clarified that ocean resources belong to whoever benefits from them, not necessarily the countries they originate from. “Ownership is about enjoyment, not geography,” a UN spokesperson explained while boarding a Chinese fishing trawler off the Senegalese coast.
“It’s totally unbelievable,” said Karim Sall, head of AGIRE, a local conservation group. “Saying the fish don’t belong to us because others eat them is like saying mangoes belong to the monkeys who steal them. That’s as insane as teaching a fish to walk on two legs.”
Following the announcement, thousands of Senegalese fishermen have hung up their nets and begun migrating to Spain and China. “If the world gets our fish without owning our waters,” one man explained, “then we should get their jobs without owning visas.”