ADDIS ABABA, ETHIOPIA — Following the US decision to cut off aid, African leaders gathered in Addis Ababa this week to develop a new policy ensuring support reaches the continent’s poorest. But there’s a problem — the African Union leader says the summit may be canceled due to Mercury Retrograde.
“These planets don’t play,” said AU President Paul Kagame. “When Mercury is in retrograde, it’s a bad time to make big decisions — especially those fighting hunger that’s not personal. We risk destabilizing lives if we move now. Better to wait until Mercury chills.”
European dignitaries expressed strong support for the cancellation. “We can’t jeopardize our lives during Mercury Retrograde,” said EU Foreign Dignitary Josep Borrell. “Foreign aid can wait. People can die waiting. But Mercury Retrograde doesn’t wait. Once it’s over, we’ll communicate aid terms more clearly.”
President Abdel Fattah al-Burhan of Sudan, frustrated by the decision, voiced concern. “My people are dying in droves,” he said. “Cancelling this summit over retrograde is reckless. Retrograde or not, we need action — now.”
The summit has been postponed indefinitely, with Kagame saying, “Maybe we’ll try again when Mercury isn’t acting up.” In a shocking twist, Mercury has refused to exit retrograde for at least six months. International observers now fear that if the stars don’t align soon, there may be no Africans left to receive the aid.