SERENGETI — A male lion in Tanzania is reportedly no longer gay, thanks to a groundbreaking conversion therapy program led by a self-proclaimed Kenyan “animal behaviorist” who also runs a church and a barbershop.
The lion, Mwamba, had been spotted cuddling another male lion, which led local officials to declare that the lions had been “corrupted by Western tourists and their not-so masculine behavior.”
“First it was the humans, now it’s the lions,” one park ranger sighed. “Next thing you know, giraffes will start identifying as vertically fluid; tall in the morning, short in the evening.”
Kenya’s Minister of Traditional Values and Animal Morality (a new position created just for this crisis) immediately commissioned Dr. Ezekiel Kamau, who assured the government he had “once prayed the gay out of a parrot once” and could absolutely de-gay a lion.
Kamau believes the problem began with LANGUAGE.
“It’s all in the words,” he explained.
“Take, for example, the word pride. We call a group of lions a pride. The lion hears that… and starts embracing Pride.”
To make matters worse, tourists constantly urge the lions to ROAR during safari drives. “ROAR is Katy Perry’s song, basically a gay pride anthem,” Kamau warned.
Other banned terms included:
Mane: “Mane sounds too much like man,” Kamau explained. “When tourists shout ‘Nice mane!’ the lion can’t tell if they’re admiring his hair or his boyfriend.”
Paws: Especially after Lady Gaga sang in her gay song, “Put your paws up, baby, ’cause you were born this way.” Are lion paws meant to pose or to pounce?
Since implementing the bans, progress has been observed. Mwamba was recently seen sharing zebra meat with a lioness, then sitting near her for over 14 minutes — the Serengeti equivalent of a first date.
“We’re hopeful,” Kamau said. “Next, we might see him walking with her. Healing is a process.”