BAMAKO, MALI — In an act of noble pity for his fragile nation, Mali’s military ruler Assimi Goita has generously announced he will step down by 2030, if the country still exists. Or later, depending.
According to sources, Goita had planned to step down in 2024, but says the nation “begged” him to stay. The country, desperate for stability, reportedly insisted that Goita was its only hope. “It’s not me,” he explained. “I didn’t want this burden. But for the sake of unity, I must remain.”
“It’s not like I wanted to stay,” Goita said. “The country was weak, trembling. It begged me. I was ready to go, but when a sick child looks up at you and says, ‘Don’t leave me to the lions,’ what kind of man walks away? I stayed. Not for power. For honor.”
Many citizens praised the decision, saying Mali had no choice. “He honored his promise. In reverse,” said one Bamako resident. “If he had no reason to stay before, now we’ve made sure he does.”
Following the announcement, thousands flooded Bamako’s streets in joyous fanfare, celebrating the leader’s decision to continue selflessly ruling them for their own good.
Mali’s opposition party, the Democratic Alliance for Electoral Expression (DAEE), also issued a statement supporting the extended rule. “We too beg him to stay, not because we agree with him, but because it’s not very safe to want otherwise,” a spokesperson said, nervously glancing over his shoulder.
When asked when he might step down, Goita replied calmly: “When the nation stops begging me to stay. But not a second before. Or preferably never.”