Nigeria,Lagos- Nigerian President Bola Ahmed Tinubu has heroically demanded that all the killing in the country should, you know, just stop.This is a groundbreaking move that has definitely never been tried before. During a lengthy two-hour meeting with security chiefs, President Tinubu reportedly discovered the revolutionary solution to the nation’s escalating violence: telling it not to happen anymore. Many Nigerians rejoiced when this declaration was made.”The killing of innocent people must cease,” declared Tinubu, apparently under the impression that Nigeria’s armed militants, bandits, and terrorists have been anxiously waiting for verbal permission to stop their activities.
Local citizen Adebayo Okonkwo expressed his overwhelming relief at the news. “For years we’ve been wondering why nobody just asked the violence to stop. Thank God we finally have a president brave enough to say ‘no more killing’ out loud in a meeting.”The President’s spokesperson, Bayo Onanuga, confirmed that Tinubu has ordered a “comprehensive overhaul” of security strategies, which by this point we all know means nothing is going to be overhauled. His bold new security approach comes as a tremendous relief to citizens in Benue, Borno and Plateau states, who had been under the impression that the presidency was shy of asking the terrorists to stop attacking their villages.
At press time, confused militants across the country were reportedly checking their phones to see if they’d get a counter memo giving them permission to resume killing innocent citizens.