ACCRA, GHANA — In a bold step toward spiritual convenience, Ghanaian pastor Daniel Osagyefo has launched a ‘Pre-Forgiveness Service’ aimed at congregation members who plan to sin later in the week.
Church members were baffled by the announcement, with the pastor claiming that pre-forgiveness would prevent further sin by clearing all guilt in advance. The program offers what he calls an “advance reparation strategy” that wipes out sins before they’re even committed.
“People can’t stop sinning, it’s second nature,” explained Pastor Osagyefo. “But if we forgive the sin before it’s committed, then technically, you never committed it. It’s brilliant. You avoid sin not by resisting it, but by getting the receipt in advance. That way, no one ends up in hell, problem solved.”
Congregation members are reportedly excited and are waiting anxiously to attend the new service, which takes place immediately after the normal Sunday service. “Now I can fornicate in peace,” said churchgoer Collins. “If I’ve already received forgiveness from my Father, who am I to refuse the opportunity to sin, when it’s technically no longer a sin?”
To track pre-forgiven sins, the church has introduced laminated “Get Out of Hell Free” cards, which members can swipe after committing sins. According to ushers, a deluxe gold card tier will soon be available for heavy users.
In unrelated news, Pastor Osagyefo now urges church members to pay their tithes in advance… for blessings they haven’t yet received. “The earlier you pay,” he explained, “the bigger your blessings when they finally drop.”