JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA — The South African Government, in a mix of desperation and delusion, offers R50 million to anyone who fixes the water crisis in 14 days, or R100 million in 7, without budget requests or Treasury involvement.
“Water is life, and we’ll pay anything to act like we’re solving it,” President Cyril Ramaphosa declared in a livestream from a luxury shower. “Big budgets move too slowly, so we’re outsourcing miracles now. We’re serious, unless water returns first.”
The Department of Water and Sanitation collaborates with anyone wielding a spanner, scheme, or dream. Director General Sean Phillips said, “Our engineers work tirelessly to deliver water, real or imagined. We seek genies to fix this before Eskom realizes water needs power.”
Among submissions like rain dances, ocean theft, and sacrificing Cape Town to the gods, “positive thinking” won. The idea urges citizens to envision flowing water and ignore dryness. “Believe hard enough, and taps will gush,” the submission stated. “Doubt dooms the plumbing.”
Studies claim one in three South Africans now hydrates through imagination. Engineers install invisible infrastructure and imaginary tanks for spiritual hydration. A Soweto resident shared, “I visualize water to fetch it. My kids imagine bath time and feel cleaner than ever in their minds.”