WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bizarre statement, President Trump claimed Jeffrey Epstein killed himself because he had no clients.
Trump said that, as a world-class businessman, he knows how to spot great clients. Epstein, he argued, failed at client conversion despite getting people to fly on his private jet and take photos with him.
“Everyone keeps asking who Epstein’s clients were. I say the poor guy had none,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “It was all a fantasy. He was terrible at client conversion. Spent millions on marketing, flew people around, took selfies, couldn’t close a single deal.”
When reporters questioned how Epstein could have surrounded himself with billionaires and not landed a single client, Trump replied, “It was his branding. He looked too desperate. All those photos and plane rides made it seem like a scam. No one did business with him… ever. If he had real clients, believe me, I’d know. I know all the best clients.”
In unrelated news, Trump declared that the Epstein files contain nothing but rejection emails from people who wanted nothing to do with him, since “the guy never had any clients.”